Publisher: Kujou no Kai
Caveats: Rape, scatology, bondage, bukkake, and the game is terrible.
Let's begin this review with a little disclaimer or ten. In no way is this meant to be a personal attack on the creator of this game, Kujou no Kai, nor against DLsite who provided it. This is only an opinion of a game from one person who played it, and DLsite is awesome. But, as DLsite's representatives wish to only allow reviews on their site that show the products that they distribute on behalf of doujin circles in a positive light, and due to the fact that I would have had to post something about this game eventually anyway, I've chosen to actually review erotic_STG in depth, as an exclusive to Sutorippu!. It would have been too long and a little too biting a critique to adhere to DLsite's policies anyway.
With that said, I, the webmaster of this little pixel-panty-filled corner of the internet, really, really can't stand this game. And I guess a fair question would be "Why?", so I'm going to explain everything about erotic_STG that's wrong. Starting with the icon. Yes, we're going to be that nitpicky and asinine. But look at it.
At first I thought someone had badly drawn an old 3.5" floppy diskette, but looking at it closer, it looks to me like a girl's head floating through sewage. What is this supposed to be, and how did they fuck it up so horribly? Is it really so challenging to just put a tiny anime girl's head on a black background and call it an icon? It's simple, it's efficient, and it gets the point across. They fucked up an icon, let alone the icon for the game itself. Let's also look at the title. "erotic_STG". It's as if whoever made this game didn't even bother to come up with a good name for the game, so they just went with the first filename that came to mind. How lazy can they be? Let this set the mood for what's to come of this game.
So, before we begin with the game, naturally we want to know how to play it. And we're in luck, because this is an English version of the game, right? Well, no. I'd say it's much closer to an Engrish version. For example, let's look at the "howToPlay.txt" file that comes with the game. I mean, we wouldn't want to go into this game not knowing what to expect, would we?
Please move Middle age to which angel's neck doesn't sit,and punish
the girl of a very saucy satan.
Middle age men's Holy liquid(='kefia') wakes up the girl of satan,
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not about to criticize a non-native speaker's grasp of the English language, but this game was advertised as having been translated by the author himself. Translated, I guess, in the loosest sense of the word. What did they do, run the text file through Babelfish and have it automatically translate the Japanese to English, and call it translated? Everyone and his dog knows how wildly inaccurate so-called "automatic" translation software can be. So again, they fucked up. But this can't be true for the game itself, can it? Well, just look.
Here we have the title screen, and as expected, it looks like shit. This has to be the worst title screen I've ever seen, and that's including the times when an NES cartridge wasn't displaying properly. But this isn't the result of a cartridge or disk error; it's supposed to look like this. How in the unholy name of fuck can I even begin to describe how horrible this looks? It's a picture of a gigantic girl with torn clothes getting two-frame humped by what looks like bad graffiti of a sunburned man with a frozen cock. Or maybe it's radioactive. I don't wanna know. And, what is this black stuff surrounding him? Is he supposed to be shaking incredibly fast, or is he powering up as in every tedious episode of Dragonball Z? I think I had better stop thinking about this before I envision a Super Saiya-jin with a nuclear hard-on. And, look at these options. "Game Start" looks okay, but "stage serif skip"? "boss serif skip"? Oh, do they mean "text skip"? Here's a tip, Kujou no Kai: "Serif" is font terminology for the extra doodads on the letters in text, not for the text itself. Also, what exactly is Ruddy McColdcock doing to this frightened chick, anyway? Is he trying to tit-fuck her, or just jamming his dick against her stomach like "I can't get in! I can't get in!"? I mean, I guess I'd be frightened too if I was chained to a wall and some red monstrosity was attempting to jam a glowing blue schlong into my chest. Not to mention, it barely looks like a schlong even in shape; it looks more like a miniature blue man riding a spray bottle crashed into the red jittery man's hip. And on top of that, the guy doesn't even have knees, yet through the magic of cheap animation he manages to pelvic thrust against this girl twice his size. Also, the chick is drawn in an anime style, while this guy looks like a poor attempt at homoerotic sketch art cleverly edited in MS Paint by a five-year-old.
Yes, I've just spent twenty sentences nitpicking at the title screen, and we haven't gotten to the game yet. Trust me, it's only going to get worse.
Anyway, since I'd like to show you everything that's wrong with this game, I've chosen to keep the text on. That's right, in case you think they might have done a better translation job in the game itself, right at the start of the game, we see this.
So, if I'm looking at this correctly, our hero ("middle age", as he is referred to by the instructions) is a flying deformed fetus with no hands, wearing yellowed boxer shorts, and with an avatar picture that would even make Quasimodo flinch in horror. It looks like he has burned-out eye sockets and grafted hairplugs above his eyes to serve as eyebrows, and attempted to draw Cesar Romero's mustache over his purple lips. Maybe this guy was actually the victim of third-degree burns all over his body. ... No, maybe the artwork just sucks. And so does the translation. I'm not going to pick at the grammar or otherwise this review will go on forever, so I'd like to ask: Couldn't they have picked a better name than "kefia power"? "Kefia" isn't even a word in the English language, and the only usage for it that I can find is the name of a tomb in Thebes, Egypt. What kind of sense does that make? Is this supposed to be Japanese slang, or are you actually gathering power from an ancient Egyptian necropolis just to energize this deformed fetus-man's boner? And yes, this "kefia power" is apparently related to his erection, because he will make horribly translated comments about it throughout the game. At least, unless you've turned the text off. Which, if you did, you'd have my sympathy, although a better course of action would be to just stop playing the game entirely. Upon a look at the DLsite page, however, it's likely that the bass-ackwards translation was probably meant to say "kefir", which is a kind of grain used to make a Turkish milk drink. In other words, it's a semen joke. So, not only did the creator of this awful piece of shit not bother with a good translation, for what it would be worth, they didn't even bother to check and see if the way they spelled their euphemisms post-translation made sense. They may as well have just called it "weak sauce", because apparently this game is the product of someone who didn't even try.
Anyway, to the gameplay. You're flying around shooting these blue globs of indiscernible junk at various enemies, the first being what appear to be turds shaped like penises. With every hit you score, the game shows a visible life bar on all the enemies. I don't know why it's necessary as no good top-down shooter game that I can think of has ever done this, simply due to the fact that people just don't care how many shots it takes to kill minor enemies. Yes, even if they're shaped like phallic shit. On top of that, the life meters are ham-fisted on top of the enemies in sizes that vary depending on how big the enemies are, and they all look like half-assed flags. As to the rest of your enemies, there's a small selection, but none of them make sense: zombies that are too easy to kill, gangsters with guns that shoot grey beads at you, elves carrying sacks over their backs, and stick men lying in beds who shoot long logs of shit at you. I feel as if someone tossed shit at me, too, because this game reeks of it.
Now, let's talk about your ammunition in the game. Blue globs? What the hell are these supposed to be? Well, let's have another look at the text file. That's what instructions are there for, right? To shed a little light on things?
|*shot power has ... small blue
peach < big blue peach < small red peach < big red peach,
blue peach cling to enemy and stop move,
peach hit enemy, can move to some degree away,
red peach give enemy better big damage,and a fragment will splash,
a fragment have damage too,
Peaches? You're launching peaches at the enemy? Not only that, they're apparently radioactive multicolored peaches that are deadly to gangsters and flying piles of poo, and they also double as fragmentation grenades. Well, I suppose the ammunition could have been worse, considering.
Anyway, you kill enemies, and clouds of what look like splatters of semen sail toward you. My first reaction was to try and dodge them, but that's impossible, so I believed it was a bad thing. But, no. This is apparently the aforementioned "kefir power"... oh, I'm sorry, "kefia power", which you actually want because it helps you to deal more damage. I guess the idea of collecting energy from your enemies is all fine and good, but why do I have to get jizzed on by every enemy in the game to power up? If I were being attacked by zombies, and my only weapon happened to involve their sperm, I'd haul ass in the opposite direction. Maybe Chuck Norris could deal with it, but I sure wouldn't want to. On top of that, I'd rather not think about how a flying pile of shit is even capable of storing semen regardless of what it's shaped like.
Along the way, there are more badly-translated-even-for-Engrish comments from the deformed fetus-man as you fly along. As you would expect, some will make you stare in confusion, and others are just simply disgusting. Perhaps some people with really lowbrow senses of humor might find them amusing, but to me, with every comment, it just seems more and more like a ten-year-old kid was the creative force behind this game. For example, classic asides such as this one, much like the latest seasons of South Park, are only mildly amusing in their audacity to adults and probably comedy gold to stoned teenagers, but are otherwise just plain sick. And in case you're wondering, yes, the music sucks too. I've heard better musical composition out of a little kid randomly swatting a synthesizer keyboard. I'd post a sample, but the last thing I want is legal trouble over a shitty game like this. And trust me, you don't wanna hear it anyway. Do you see how bad this looks? Imagine the soundtrack to something this horrid-looking, and that's probably what it sounds like. It's not the worst thing I've ever heard, but worse sounds that I've happened to hear involved either the toilet, animals in pain, or the band Nirvana.
So, thankfully, catching the jizz of the enemies that you kill isn't your only method of powering up. You can also collect porno magazines that are bigger than your deformed hero, which drop either at random or when you shoot the Xmas elves that run across the screen (they also attempt to steal any that are lying around). Collecting these magazines, and defeating and subsequently being jizzed on by all the enemies that you can is essential, because at the end of the stage, we come to the boss. The more "kefia" power you have, the easier the boss fight will be. Do I really want to do this? Well, no, but for the sake of this site and this review, I might as well.
Right away, when you see a tiny protagonist flying over a huge anime girl, unless your first thought is "giantess fetish", you might be thinking it's another rendition of Sentimental Shooting. And to a degree, it kind of is, but the execution isn't the same. You see, once you meet the giant demon girl, fetus-man doffs his boxers that were laundered perhaps once in 1927, and your weapon changes from radioactive fruit to giant sperm. Oh, I get it. It's a bukakke thing. Ha ha. Funny. Classy and original. I don't claim to be a comic genius, but even I find this game's humor appeal to be way too lowbrow and tasteless to be amusing in the least. I like cheap immature jokes as much as the next person, but somewhere you have to draw the line between one-liners that would make Beavis and Butt-head snicker and things that sound like someone's really just trying too hard to appeal to the lowest common denominator. erotic_STG crossed that line at the title screen. If you disagree, I'd like to remind you: GLOWING BLUE MISSHAPEN NUCLEAR COCK. ON HIS HIP.
Anyway, back to the boss fight. You have to dodge all the obstacles, which look like tampons, cannonballs on fire and radioactive panties, and keep releasing your snakelike sperm all over the girl to tear through her clothes. All of this happens while our hero and the girl share such whimsical and eloquent repartee as shown in this screenshot, and while unlistenable loud noise that passes for music with a distorted voice shouting nonsense as if it's supposed to give such ear-rape an "edgy" sound pipes through your speakers. As you tear away her clothes with your sperm (since, you know, sperm is capable of tearing through clothing with its razor-sharp chromosome), more obstacles fly at you in thicker patterns. When she is naked, the idea is to spread your sperm all over her skin while continuing to dodge all the garbage flying at you, enduring the awful music, and trying not to let your "kefia" power run out lest you die and have to start this whole train wreck of a game over again. Granted, the artwork of the girl is actually a highlight for this game, especially considering everything before this point has looked like shit, some of it more literally than the rest. But to be honest, it's more like finding a diamond ring in the toilet of a recently-used outhouse. It's just not worth all the shit you went through to get to it.
So, finally, when you've coated the giant girl in your holy man-seed, the amazing deformed burn victim flies into the girl's gaping vagina, and you're given a password. But not for saving your game, as this is only a one-stage game, thank the gods. Instead, it's a password for unlocking the archive that comes with the game, allowing you to view bonus content. After all this, however, would you want to see more? I don't know about you, but my answer is "not just no, fuck no!". erotic_STG itself was awful enough down to the last detail. Why would I want to see anything more out of it, when there exists the possibility that it could be even worse than what I just experienced in playing this turd-fucked excuse of a game?
For what it's worth, the game is at least playable. Control is responsive enough, and once you understand the game mechanics, you can get through it well enough. But everything else about the game just screams "cheap". Now, just because something only cost 420 points at DLsite doesn't mean it has to be awful. For example, I once got a block-breaking game (strip block-breaking, of course) for a little over a dollar. Yes, a dollar. And I found less wrong with that game than I did with this game which cost four dollars and twenty cents. Every single thing erotic_STG uses, to include (but not to be limited to) the graphics, the music, the translation, the jokes, the implementation of menus and indicators, is slapdash, half-assed, and uninspired. None of it makes sense even if you bear in mind that the concept of a "strip" shooting game is to make you suspend disbelief and just shoot until you see a naked chick. And, despite its title, there's nothing "erotic" about this grotesque mess of a game. I know it didn't cost much, but even for this low of a price, I actually feel cheated. What's worse is that there were actually sequels planned for this game. While I don't know as of yet if any of them became available on the Japanese DLsite, I'm thankful at least that they're not on the English site. For now, anyway.
The one thing that might make me feel a bit better about erotic_STG is the possibility that it was purposefully made this way as an elaborate joke. I might choose to hold the hope in my heart that some famous game designer in Japan simply made it for the lulz while bored one day in between other, better projects, and he might one day see this review and laugh with satisfaction that he managed to shock someone with a game that was made as a prank, to be a bad game on purpose. But my hope that Obamacare would never see the light of day didn't save us from that awful fiasco, so I'm not even going to try. Bottom line, erotic_STG sucks. And if for some reason you feel compelled to play it after reading this review, be my guest! Just don't say I didn't warn you.
And now I'd like to close this review with some thoughtful words of wisdom from "middle age".
... I think that says it all. Webmaster, over and out.
UPDATE 4/18/2010: Sadly, it appears that the second stage of this game has in fact hit DLsite. I won't be touching it, however; as you can see, the first stage was bad enough. Instead, I'd like to respond to this occurrence with the following statement: